


and no one can ever figure out what you want, and you won't tell them

by glownary



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: (for ouma/momota), Bottom Momota Kaito, Bottom Saihara Shuichi, Casual Sex, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Dom Oma Kokichi, Dysphoria, Falling In Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Explicit Sex, Pillow Princess Saihara Shuichi, Service Top, Service Top Oma Kokichi, Top Oma Kokichi, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Top, Trans Oma Kokichi, Trans Saihara Shuichi, i know people usually use service top and dom top as opposites but, its hard to explain here. hes dominating while servicing them? does that make sense?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:59:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27347002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glownary/pseuds/glownary
Summary: Kokichi's intimacy issues, body dysphoria, and cravings for control collapse into each other and merge until they're all one indistinguishable part of himself. He could not separate them if he tried.
Relationships: Momota Kaito/Oma Kokichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 62





	1. and you don't trust him to love you in a way you would enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt want to tag the fic as hatesex because its really not that prevalent, but be aware that the ouma/saihara interaction is not exactly a positive one. if that bothers you i wouldnt reccomend reading this. it doesnt really go into detail on it, though.

He hides it with a game. "No touching," he says, his voice teasing yet commanding; his partner indulges, as they always do, excited by the vague promise of what he might do to them. Kokichi enjoys it—of course he does—but not in the same way they do. To be in control, to reach out and touch someone without worrying about repercussions, to see how they can come undone by his hand—the experience serves him well. They come for him and the high it gives him is real but it's not the same. 

And he leaves without being touched. Yet another success.

It's not uncommon for them to offer to touch him, eager to please him afterwards. He has a new response every time but the meaning is always the same: "Don't touch me." The thought of it, of someone doing to him what he does to others—or even just touching him there—makes his skin crawl. There's nothing more terrifying to him than the idea of giving control to someone else. There's nothing more repulsive to him than the form his own body takes. He looks good, he thinks, looks attractive until the clothes come off. He avoids the naked shape of his reflection in the mirror.

Shuuichi makes it easy for him. The lack of affection certainly helps. Not once has he bothered to ask if Kokichi would like him to reciprocate, too lost in the afterglow to care. 

Kokichi is jealous, in a way, that despite the similarities of their bodies Shuuichi has no qualms with seeking out pleasure.

"I hate people like you." Kokichi says it while sitting at the edge of the bed, putting his shoes on and preparing to leave. Shuuichi barely seems to process the words, lying under the covers in a daze. "So needy. So selfish. Aren't you embarrassed to ask for so much and offer nothing in return?" he continues. Shuuichi doesn't respond, just hides his face and turns away, refusing to engage.

He storms out. And maybe he does hate Shuuichi, at least a little bit, but it's nothing in comparison to the contempt he holds for himself.

But Shuuichi wasn't the only one he was seeing. Kaito... complicates things. It was difficult from the start; he couldn't comprehend sex without feelings. He wants to make love, not to fuck, and he doesn't say it and Kokichi doesn't mention it and they don't talk about it but they both know it, they know it and it's unavoidable in the way Kaito looks at him like the stars and it's unavoidable in the way he stares for too long and far too fondly—

"What about you?"

The question is so simple in nature yet Kokichi struggles to come up with an answer that will make Kaito stop looking at him like that. So… passionately. 

"I want to make you feel good, too," Kaito tells him. His voice is rough and clumsy but the genuine emotion behind the words is softer than anything Kokichi's ever known. Their sweetness drips down his throat and turns into a bitter mess at the pit of his stomach.

"You already have," Kokichi responds, and it's not a lie but it's not the truth, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the act of writing fanfiction is self indulgent by nature but this was really a whole nother level of that. i hope others can enjoy my extremely niche ouma headcanons
> 
> also sorry i keep writing nsfw i promise ill have some new sfw works up soon
> 
> fic title and chapter title are from the richard siken poem "crush." chapter two coming soon! feel free to subscribe to the fic if youre interested in being notified when it goes up 😳


	2. you thought if you handed over your body he'd do something interesting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love, sex, intimacy; there's something different about experiencing these with Kaito than with anyone who came before him.

Kaito cares too much, he thinks, and it might be the death of him.

They almost always bicker beforehand—almost always about something pointless—and Kaito always tries to figure out what Kokichi wants afterwards. The problem is that Kokichi isn't sure what he wants: to push Kaito away and lock his heart in a box? To lead him on and keep him guessing? ...To be loved?

He strings it along and avoids any talk of feelings as best as he can. It works, for a while. But he can feel Kaito's stare on the back of his neck every time he leaves. It might have continued on that way for much longer if it weren't for his decision to use Kaito's shower.

It normally felt… too intimate, somehow, to do so—especially since the lock was broken. Most of the time, he would just go home and shower there. But Kaito is asleep, and the downpour of rain outside is nonstop, and Kokichi doesn't particularly feel like walking through it.

So he takes a shower.

He cleans his hair first, then tries to hurry through washing the rest of his body without looking down. 

As he pulls aside the shower curtain, Kaito opens the door. They both freeze, eyes wide. Kokichi has never stripped bare in front of him before.

"You're—" 

Kaito cuts himself off, and Kokichi can practically feel the word 'beautiful' hanging off the tip of his tongue. "Amazing," he settles on, finally averting his eyes to allow Kokichi to grab a towel.

Instead, Kokichi watches Kaito's fingers involuntarily flex. Like he wants to reach out and touch but is afraid of how Kokichi might react. Kokichi closes the distance between them with a few short steps, thoroughly encouraged by a sharp inhale from Kaito.

"What do you want, Momota-chan?" he asks. As though what Kaito wanted wasn't obvious. As if he wasn't the one who had been so unclear.

"I don't want to do anything you wouldn't want me to," Kaito whispers. He carefully brings his hand up and laces his fingers through Kokichi's. "But I want to touch you. Just… tell me how. Tell me where I can and where I can't."

Unable to respond for a moment, Kokichi's heart throbs in his chest. Kaito continues on, "Tell me what I can do for you."

Not _to_ you. _For_ you.

They wind up back in the bedroom, Kokichi seated at the edge of the mattress and Kaito standing in front of him, unsure of what Kokichi will ask of him.

Maybe, just maybe, Kokichi can find something that works for them. It's exhilarating, and terrifying, to push past the bounds of what he knows will work. Something about Kaito makes him want to try.

The fear of navigating uncharted territory is eased by his position of control. He begins with a command: "On your knees." The atmosphere of the room shifts as a new type of game is created; one that doesn't require hiding. Still, Kaito isn't so subservient to lower himself to the ground without question. 

"Make me," he challenges. The fire in his eyes is the same as when they argue, the same as when he chases after Kokichi.

Kokichi grabs a fistful of Kaito's shirt collar, catching him off guard by pulling him closer rather than to the floor. Despite the aggressive approach, Kokichi can't help but smile slightly as their lips meet.

He's afraid that this might be love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't resist turning this into some mushy oumota at the end. thank you for joining me in this self indulgence 
> 
> chapter title once again from the poem "crush" by richard siken


End file.
